Related articles - I'm OK you're not OK
Last week, I wrote about the Christian 12-step program that some of our Tri-City churches offer. Your reaction to these small groups may be like mine was at one time. “Thank God that I’m not like those other people. My parents and siblings were healthy and I sure don’t need to work through what those poor broken people do!”
Jesus’ response to those of us who have that attitude was that we are a long way from the kingdom of God. Our pride and self-deception is ultimately worse than another person’s addiction or other compulsive behaviour! Over the past few years, I’ve come to believe that there is no such thing as a family that is totally free of dysfunction. Maybe we’ve dreamed of either a perfect family of origin or having our own faultless marriage and ideal family. There are none! Every person, regardless of how together they may appear on the exterior, has inner conflicts and struggles, which have their roots in their family of origin. God said it bluntly. “We are all sinners, we’ve all missed the mark!” To some degree, we’re all dysfunctional and are in need of healing.
There are, however, some of us who have been reared in more obvious dysfunction. Maybe our parent(s), guardian or caretaker was chemically dependent, physically or emotionally abusive, repressed or uncontrolled emotionally. In such families of origin, it is common that children who have been exposed to disorder, reared by unhealthy adults, or involved in the dysfunction will have some similar characteristics.
There’s an exercise that we give to people inquiring about the 12-steps that helps determine whether they have some of the negative fruits that grow from roots of dysfunction. Here’s a sample, by which you can consider your own health: I avoid talking to or looking at people who are authority figures. I try to blend into the background and if the authority (boss, principal, pastor, police) want to see me, I assume that I’ve done something wrong.
I often have feelings of low self-esteem, which I have learned to compensate for. For my own survival, I use defence mechanisms of anger, running or criticism to protect myself. I criticize or gossip about others so that I will not seem like the only loser around or I use control to try and restore order to my out-of-control inner world.
Because I feel so insignificant, inadequate, stupid and ugly, I criticize myself often and criticize others. I tend to be reclusive. Because I don’t like myself very much, I assume that others do not like me either or do not really want to be around me. Even when they are nice to me, I think it’s just an act or that they want something from me.
Next week, I’ll give you five or six more characteristics by which you can examine the health of your own thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Maybe the Christian 12-steps would be worth your consideration.
